


Christmas in Japan

by regrettably



Category: JJCC (Band)
Genre: M/M, as if I ever write about anybody else, can't stop wish I could stop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-09-16 13:56:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9274931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regrettably/pseuds/regrettably
Summary: It's Christmas, Eddy's in Japan, and he's miserable.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This one is my EXTREMELY SHODDY half of a holiday-esque sort of maybe themed trade (because man tears are always the best present for the holidays, right? also yes it's two weeks late, no I didn't start writing until after christmas because I am awful) with my good friend bitterkitty over at aff, writer extraordinaire, a constant sufferer of my complaints, and also a massive enabler who allows me to create awful things like this! Anyways she deserves better so go read her stuff instead of reading this, as apparently my New Year's resolution was to write even schlockier shit than before!

 

“Eddy… Eddy-hyung, where are you going?”

 

He hoped he would’ve been able to sneak out unnoticed, but unluckily for Eddy, Youngjin decides to stop harassing Chanyul just in time to notice him getting to his feet and shrugging on his coat.

 

“Uh, I’m just…”  Eddy pauses, trying to think up a convincing reason for lacing up his newest pair of overpriced basketball shoes while the rest of his group looks like they’re winding down for the night.  “...I’m just gonna head outside for a sec, I feel, uh… kinda hot… I’ll be right back though...”

 

Joonyoung pauses with his mouth full of convenience store takeout as he gives a quick glance out their hotel room’s window, taking in the weird mix of rain and ice coating the glass.

 

“Well… if you’re sure… but try not to catch a cold though, won’t you?  We’ve already got one injured member, we don’t need everyone getting sick too.”  Joonyoung gestures with his head at Hadon beside him and then decides that’s enough of a break from eating for him and returns to shoving rice balls past his pretty lips.

 

“Yeah, I’ll just be a few minutes…”  Eddy trails off as he tries to stuff some of his red hair under his hat.

 

Hadon shoots him a look with the eye that isn’t taped over, but he chooses slurping at takeout udon over elaborating on the reason for his disbelief.  So, with no further questions from the rest of the group, Eddy’s zipping up his jacket and shutting the door to their hotel room behind him.

 

He’s lucky this time, making it through the hallway, down the elevator, across the lobby, and out the main doors without running into any of his managers.  Then he’s outside where it’s wet and windy and cold and he’s about as alone as he can get on Christmas Day in Japan.

 

Well, Christmas night.  Technically the 26th, he guesses, it’s well after midnight, but who really cares about that sort of thing?  To Eddy, it just matters that it's Christmas.  

 

Maybe he feels just a little bit bad about ditching the rest of the guys on Christmas.  Especially during their combined celebrations for Christmas and finishing a successful run of concerts in Japan.

 

But at the same time, he doesn’t really think he’ll be all that missed right now.  Things were starting to quiet down when he left.  

 

They had their last show today, and the best part of finishing the last concert in a series is their tradition of going out and drinking and eating as much as physically possible afterwards.  

 

Drinking was given a general pass tonight as they’d all been so busy the past week that everyone was too exhausted to even get smashed (that and they’ll have to be in front of fans at the airport back to Korea tomorrow and Joonyoung is _not_ great at acting like he doesn’t have a massive hangover), but they’re all always up for eating.  There’d been a sushi bar and an okonomiyaki place followed by a tiny diner that specialized in tonkatsu where Joonyoung and Hadon put back three cutlets each.  By the time they’d stopped somewhere for yakitori Daehwan had been looking a little queasy and even Eddy himself could only get halfway through a skewer before admitting defeat.  

 

But even after all that Joonyoung and Hadon insisted at stopping at the 7-11 near their hotel for _more_ food (Eddy usually has a hard time seeing what exactly the eldest and youngest of their group have in common, but maybe it’s the sheer amount of food they can both put back that’s kept them together for so long) and after getting as much takeout as they could carry they’ve spent the rest of the evening at the hotel eating more than should be physically possible and pretty much ignoring everyone and everything else.  

 

Joonyoung was so preoccupied with making up for all the calories that his skinny ass usually misses out on eating that he didn’t even bother lecturing Youngjin on not being unnecessarily loud and annoying and how it's generally impolite to continually harass Daehwan and Chanyul.

 

All Daehwan and Chanyul looked was ready for bed, which they probably would’ve been in if Youngjin wasn’t so insistent on keeping them awake.

 

So everyone else had something to do that didn’t involve him.  Nobody will really miss him.

 

Apparently not even the guy he’d secretly hoped would miss him the most.

 

Seriously, no call, no video chat, not even one measly text?  Not even on Christmas?

 

Eddy would like to think that maybe he just knows they had a concert today and he thinks Eddy will be too busy to answer his phone.  But he never even knew what their schedules were when he was there with them, why would he know now?

 

“Stupid…” Eddy murmurs to himself as he takes out his phone for the thousandth time today, flicks it on and off while protecting the screen from the sleet as best as he can manage with a sweaty hand, trying to squash the initial pang of hurt when there isn’t a single notification beyond some group chat Corey put him in where he doesn’t even know half the people in it and not a single message is directed at him.

 

He shoves his phone back in his jacket, rearranges his hat, sucks in a lungful of cold wet air.

 

That’s right, he came out here to calm down.  Just to get away from the rest of the guys for a little bit, as if for some reason being apart from Joonyoung and Hadon and their synchronized eating or Daehwan and Chanyul and their silent devotion to each other or even just Youngjin and his undying love for everyone in their group but especially Daehwan and Chayul would somehow make him feel less awful.

 

It’s stupid, because it doesn’t.

 

Because Christmas in Japan is somehow even bigger than Christmas in Korea.  Everywhere he looks there’s fake snow and baubles and ribbons and candy and bows and shiny wrapping paper and Santa dressed in every imaginable shade of red and thousands upon thousands of twinkling lights, and none of it makes him feel any better at all.

 

Really, it just makes him feel about a hundred times worse, because Christmas in this part of the world is about being in love.  And he was hoping with the shitty weather and all that there’d be very few romantically involved people out and about and that if he ran into anyone they’d just be sad and pathetic like he is, but of course that’s not how it is.  

 

Instead there’s just couples, couples, and more couples.  Couples walking hurriedly past him and pressed close to each other under shared umbrellas, couples taking cutesy pictures in front of glowing displays of Santa and snowmen, couples taking little bites of cake and pastries and sipping on hot chocolate while they exchange presents of expensive jewelry and handmade scarves in the windows of the cafes he passes by.

 

Maybe they’ve never shared an umbrella, maybe they can’t seem to ever take a nice picture with both of them in it, maybe the idea of them spoon-feeding each other cake is fucking laughable, but is it so much to ask for just one shitty phone call?

 

He can’t even remember the last time they actually spoke to each other.

 

His best guess would be more than a month ago, something about bleach-blonde hair and iKON and solo stages and were those really the best English lyrics he could come up with and faked enthusiasm on Eddy’s part.  Maybe there was a text or two from after that (“Hey, which of our dogs are still alive?” and “You know that camo jacket with the big furry hood?  Did I leave that at the dorm?  Can you check for me?”), but otherwise, nothing at all.

 

If Eddy was slightly more mature or slightly less pissed, he could just call first.  

 

But he won’t.

 

Not anymore.

 

All it took was one offhand comment from Joonyoung, murmured sleepily while Eddy was wide awake in their shared room in the middle of the night staring at his phone, about how Eddy always seems to call him first for Eddy to wonder if he didn’t call first whether he’d even hear from him at all.

 

And he’s stopped calling and he’s stopped texting and now he doesn’t hear anything.  

 

Maybe the rest of the guys are right, maybe he should just face the facts and accept that he’s not coming back.

 

Of course, none of them have flat-out said this to Eddy’s face.  

 

But sometimes Eddy feels the rough edges of Youngjin’s nails against his skin, knows that Youngjin chews on them whenever Eddy brings him up.  He knows Daehwan and Chanyul would never really dare to say anything, but the looks they exchange when they see Eddy looking through his posts on Instagram make it pretty clear what they think.  Worst of all, sometimes he hears Joonyoung and Hadon talking late at night when they think he’s asleep, low and frustrated and just as blunt as they always are, wondering if he’ll stop trying to replace him with beer and friends that speak English, if he’ll ever get fed up and call everything off, if he’ll ever tell him to just stay in China and never come back because it’s pretty obvious that he’s not coming back anyways.  

 

Eddy’s sure they all think he’s a fucking idiot.  And he probably is.  He probably never is coming back, all those promises were probably lies, maybe he really never meant all that much to him at all.

 

But somehow, even after the past year, Eddy still held onto a tiny little bit of hope, that maybe everything he said was true, that maybe he will come back, that maybe today, of all days, he’d remember…

 

Clearly not though, or else Eddy wouldn’t be outside in the near freezing cold somewhere in Japan with a silent phone looking at disgustingly cheerful Christmas decorations alone and feeling about as miserable as he’s ever felt.

 

He’s not even sure where he is.  Maybe he should’ve paid better attention to where he was going while he was wrapped up in his stupid depressing thoughts, he just wanted to get away from the lovey-dovey couples and the presents and the cozy looking cafes and somehow he ended up smack-dab in the middle of it all.

 

He’s in front of what’s got to be the biggest damn Christmas tree he’s ever seen, a massive monstrous metal display probably well near five stories tall and rivalling the heights of the shops and apartments around it, every inch of the thing covered in twinkling lights in red and green, a gigantic flashing star welded onto the very top.  

 

There’s more to the display too; reindeer, Santa, presents, candy canes, and elves, all gigantic and plastic and glowing and way too garishly happy for Eddy’s liking.

 

Since the weather’s so sucky nobody’s really hanging out around it for any extended period of time, but that doesn’t mean the multitude of couples passing by aren’t stopping in front of the whole scene to take stomach-churningly cute selfies, girlfriends tugging on their boyfriends’ coat sleeves with excitement and pouting when the guy never smiles enough for their liking.  

 

Eddy wants to leave, doesn’t really feel like sticking around and staring at all these wonderful reminders of everything he doesn’t have.  But it’s been an extremely long week and he’s exhausted and his feet hurt and he doesn’t think he’s quite up to going back to the hotel and acting like nothing’s wrong like he usually does and he doesn’t really have anywhere else to go, so he decides to sit on a very wet bench right in front of the whole freakin’ Christmas tableau.

 

And he’s freezing, and he’s damp, and he really was hot and sweaty when he left the hotel but now he thinks he’s having cold sweats or something because he’s still perspiring underneath his big coat and he can’t help but wonder how he ended up here, like this.  

 

They’d spent last Christmas in Japan too.  There was still a ton of food, but it was different because they were all together that time and it had been hectic and fun and they’d taken stupid photos as a group wearing reindeer headbands and had a competition to see who could fit the most takoyaki in their mouth at one time (Youngjin, nine) and they’d had their own hotel room, just the two of them, and there were hot kisses and messy sheets and hands tangled in dyed hair and a whole bunch of things that make his cheeks feel kind of hot despite the cold and-

 

“Excuse me?”  Eddy reminiscing is interrupted by a very pink and very fluffy phone being shoved in his face.  “Can you take a picture?  Of us?”    

 

At least, that’s what he assumes is said to him, his Japanese is arguably the worst in the group, but this very cute and very tiny girl has the camera app open as she hands her phone to him and she points at herself and a guy whose hair is way too perfect for the weather who’s presumably her boyfriend.

 

Eddy nods, startled, snaps a few pictures of the two of them posing in front of all the softly sparkling lights, and when he hands the phone back and the girl smiles and gives him a cheerful “Thank you!” without even really sparing him a second glance, he feels as far from the idol he’s supposed to be as he ever has.

 

He flicks on his own phone as the pair walks away, opens the front camera, takes a good look at himself.

 

Why would either of that couple ever think that this pathetic looking person displayed on the smeared screen of Eddy’s phone could be an idol?  With his hair tucked under his hat and all his earlier stage makeup wiped off he looks gaunt and his skin is shitty and there’s nothing to hide the dark bags under his eyes and he feels gross and small and ugly and cold and wet and stupid and so tired and for once, just once, just one time this year he’d just like to not feel so lonely, it really isn’t all that much, it’s Christmas, how can it be too much to ask for-

 

And then, as if someone somewhere read his mind, his phone goes off.

 

He’s not even really sure that it does, at first.  His hands are trembling so hard from the cold that he can’t really tell if his phone is actually vibrating and it’s probably just a cruel desperate trick of his imagination, but then the screen lights up with a name.  It’s hard to read too, he took his contacts out at the hotel and he didn’t think to put on his glasses, but even with blurry vision he can still make out the name, that name, that name that he hasn’t seen on his display in a month, and the second he makes that name out he scrambles to accept the call with shaking hands.

 

“Yeah, yeah, hold on a sec, I’m-” The voice on the other end switches to Chinese for a second and the only word Eddy understands is _phone_ , before changing back to English, “Hey, uh, Eddy?  You there?”

 

“Prince?”  Eddy nearly whispers it, can barely believe that he’s actually hearing that awful accent again in something other than a recording.

 

“Oh hey, no way, you picked up!  Hey, Eddy!  Merry Christmas, man!”  A familiar and terrible laugh, some very unfamiliar and foreign voices in the background, the sound of a door opening and closing, voices muffling to indistinct murmurs.

 

“Prince?”  Eddy repeats, “Henry?”

 

“Yeah, mate!  Don’t sound so surprised!”  Henry laughs again, scratchy but cheerful, throat probably red and sore like it always is.

 

Eddy shakes his head, forgetting that Henry can’t see it.  “You sounded surprised that I answered…”

 

“Well, yeah… it’s Christmas!  I kinda figured you’d be busy… aren’t you in Japan right now or something?”

 

“Uh, yeah, I am… how do you know that?”

 

“Well, I know what’s going on, y’know?”  Eddy can practically see the goofy grin and the wink and the stupid finger guns that go along with this, and as much as he wishes it doesn’t, it pisses him off.

 

Because Henry doesn’t know what’s going on.  He never has, he probably never will, he never thinks about anybody beyond himself and what’s best for him and his stupid “solo” career and he never-

 

“But hey, guess where I am!”  Henry sounds a little louder, a little more cheerful than he should.

 

Eddy’s breath hitches, just for a second, because he’s stupid and childish and maybe for a moment he imagines this as some sort of drama and that he’ll look up again and Henry will pop out from behind that massive Christmas tree in front of him.  

 

But that’s stupid.  “...in China?”

 

“Yup, but where in China?”

 

“...fuck, I dunno…”  Eddy really doesn’t want to play some dumb guessing game with him right now, “...Beijing?”

 

“Nope!  Hong Kong!”  

 

What does it matter to Eddy, really?  Henry’s been to more different cities in China than either of them could count, and Henry probably hasn’t even bothered to tell him about half of the ones he’s been to.  But Henry does this stupid peppy short little laugh, optimistic, and then a brief awkward silence follows until Eddy realizes he’s supposed to probably give some sort of response.  

 

“Oh?  What are you doing there?”  He tries, he really does, to sound more enthusiastic than he feels, but he just doesn’t care like he knows he should.  

 

“Buying Christmas presents!”  Henry does that thing, that obnoxious thing with his voice where the intonation shoots up like a whole frickin’ octave on the last word, “What do you want?  Sneakers or food?”

 

“Oh… uh…”  Eddy feels the tiniest twinge of guilt, he didn’t get Henry anything, planned on just making him a home-cooked meal or something the next time (if there was going to be a next time) they saw each other.  “...sneakers, I guess?”

 

“Good call, any food I buy will probably go bad before I see you.”  Henry says, and Eddy can just picture him doing that head nod, flicking bleached hair out of his eyes constantly, “Actually, it kind of sucks that I did things in this order… I should’ve gone to Hong Kong first and then gone to Korea instead of the other way around, but I kinda got my schedule mixed up and I thought-”

 

“Wait, hold up, what?”  Eddy interrupts, “You were in Korea?”  

 

“Yeah, like a couple of days ago, just for a, like, check-up on my-”

 

“What?  Why didn’t you say anything?”  Eddy should be frozen, but he takes off his hat and shakes his hair out for a second because he suddenly feels way too hot.  “Why didn’t you let me know?”

 

There’s another awkward pause, Henry makes a sound, stops, goes again.  

 

“Well… I wanted it to be a surprise, but by the time I got there you guys were already in Japan… besides, I was only there for a day, just to get my ear looked at…”

 

Eddy’s trying not to get angry, he is, but he doesn’t understand.  “Why did you plan it like that?  We’ve only been here for a week, we’re leaving tomorrow!  We could’ve… we could’ve…”

 

Henry’s voice is strange, something mixed in with the weird lighthearted tone.  “Uh, well… I didn’t really have a choice… they didn’t really let me choose when my appointment was…”  

 

“Come on, you could’ve figured out a way to spend at least one day with us!  You’ve had so many choices!”  

 

Oh.  Now that was wrong.  It’s what Eddy really thinks, that’s for sure, but it wasn’t the right thing to say right now.  Not if they wanted to keep having this fake happy conversation anyways.

 

“What’s _that_ supposed to mean?”

 

Eddy snaps.

 

“What do you think it means?!”  Eddy forgets where he is, shouting into the phone and startling a couple in coordinated jackets passing by.

 

“Shit, are you seriously going to do this right now?!”  Henry starts out just as loud as Eddy did, but his voice drops to a low hiss and Eddy can hear the muffled background chatter on Henry’s end.  “Why?”

 

“Why?  Why?!”  Oh, Eddy sounds so, so, so very pathetic, and he knows it, but it’s hard to care right now.  “You don’t call, you don’t text, and you’ve got time to go Christmas shopping in fucking Hong Kong but you don’t have time to see us?  To see me?  I don’t know, maybe that’s why!”

 

“Look mate, it’s not like I don’t want to see you!”  Henry sounds confused, exasperated.  “I didn’t choose for you guys to be in Japan right now!”

 

“We didn’t choose to be here either!”  Eddy shoots right back, because they didn’t.  “But you chose to not be here with us!”

 

There’s a low growl of frustration on the other end, a dull thud like Henry’s kicked a wall or some furniture or something.  “Is that what this is about?  You’re mad about me leaving...?  Now?!  How can you be?!  You told me to go!”  

 

“Only because I thought you’d come back!”  Eddy’s voice cracks as he has what might be the last word, because Henry’s end goes dead silent.

 

Eddy waits, and nothing comes.  His anger’s seeping away from him, quickly being replaced by a feeling in his chest like he’s cracked all his ribs and a sick nauseous emptiness in his stomach, and he starts talking again, more to himself than to Henry because he doesn’t even know if Henry’s there anymore.

 

“When you left you promised… you promised… you promised all sorts of great shit… but you promised first that you’d come back!  And I believed you… I really did!  But you think people don’t ask me about you?!  Because they do!  And I don’t even know what to say, because I never fucking hear from you!”  

 

Eddy feels about the stupidest he’s ever felt, voice shaking and body quaking as he finally says all the things that he’s tried to pretend aren’t happening and that he doesn’t feel out loud in the middle of a public place in the middle of the night somewhere in Japan, but now that he’s started he can’t stop.  

 

“And even though you never talk to me anymore, I still believed in you!  And yeah, I mean, it’s weird not talking to you, like, every second of every day anymore, but I understand!  I obviously know how fucking busy shit gets!  But do you know how much it fucking sucks to hear about your plans not from you?  To hear from our friends or the managers about you making solo music or like, planning to buy a house?  But then you still expect me to believe you’re coming back?”

 

People are staring at him as they walk by, he can feel their eyes on him, look at him, this crazy foreigner having a meltdown on the phone on Christmas, but he still can’t stop himself.

 

“Like, why can’t you just admit to me that you’re staying there?  Don’t you think it’s worse to keep lying to me?!  And I know… I know why you left… I knew it then and I still know it now… but we don’t want to live like this either!  We didn’t think we’d end up stuck in Japan!  We don’t want to be here either!  We all want to be back home in Korea… but we don’t have a choice!  You did!  You had a choice, and you chose to leave us!”

 

And now Eddy doesn’t even have the heart to yell, voice dropping to his hoarse whisper and his eyes burn and he’s not going to cry because this isn’t worth it and crying in front of an enormous glowing Christmas tree and Santa Claus and a couple hundred strangers that are passing has to be the absolute lamest thing you can do on Christmas, but this is it for Eddy, it doesn’t even matter if Henry’s listening or not, saying this stuff now means he’s made up his mind, makes it real for him.

 

“...and you chose to leave me… even though you told me you wanted to spend your life with me… the rest of the guys all think you’re gone for good, and you know what?  I do too… so just… stop… stop being such a douche and admit that to me, won’t you?  Fuck your sneakers and your food or whatever, what I really want as a present is the truth… just tell me the truth…”

 

Eddy hangs his head, lets rain and ice slide down the back of his neck, has nothing else to say.  

 

He sits there, holding his phone loosely to his ear, listens to the dead air and the foreign murmurs of the late night Christmas revellers, watches the red and green of the lights reflecting in the puddle at his feet because he really can’t bear to look at that fucking Christmas tree anymore, and just when he’s contemplating turning off his phone and going to the nearest place that sells alcohol and blowing all the cash he has on him, there’s a cough on Henry’s end.

 

“I guess…”  Henry’s voice is soft and raspy, “I guess you haven’t got my Christmas present yet, huh?”

 

Eddy nearly laughs.  “I don’t care about any fucking present, I-”

 

“I left it at the dorm when I was there,”  Henry interrupts calmly and quietly, “But you haven’t been back yet, so I guess you haven’t seen it.”

 

This time Eddy does laugh, bitterly.  “No, I haven’t… what is it?”

 

“It’s the truth.”  Henry says simply.  “It’s a copy of a, uh, bank, a bank uh… what do you call it?  A bank... statement… a bank statement thing!”

 

“A bank… statement... thing?”

 

“Yup.”  Henry almost sounds proud.  “I actually made money this year, man!  So I made a new special bank account… it’s my present for you…”

 

As hard as Eddy tries to process this, he just can’t right now.  “Okay… I’m not sure if I’m fucking stupid or if you’re fucking stupid, because why would I want to look at how much money you made?”

 

“Well, uh… because I made it for us.”  

 

“For _us_?”

 

“Yeah.  For us.”  Henry repeats, and Eddy can almost imagine the soft goofy smile playing on his lips, although he’s not really sure why it’s there.

 

“I don’t… I don’t think I…”

 

“Look, I meant it, Eddy.  I meant everything I said when I left!  I really, really, really did!  And I still do!”  Henry’s soft, warm, earnest.  “But y’know, when I left… I was flat broke, man.  Like, I had next to nothing… and I know you have pretty much nothing either…”

 

Eddy opens his mouth to protest, but it’s true.  “I… yeah…”

 

“And I just… I didn’t want us to have nothing when this is all over, okay?  We were struggling in Korea and we weren’t making money in Japan and I didn’t want us to end up with a ton of debt to the company…”  Henry trails off, taking a deep breath before going again, “...and I know what I promised you.  I promised you a restaurant and a home and a family and… I’m going to keep my promise!  But I didn’t know how we were going to do all that without any money… but I actually have savings this year, Eddy!  And I put some aside for us, for the future, in that new account… and I’m going to keep doing that too, until I have enough to come back, okay?”

 

“Henry, I… you...”  Eddy’s eyes really hurt now, and he blinks furiously, telling himself it’s just chunks of ice lodged in his retinas or something.

 

“‘Cause I did want to spend my life with you... and I still do.  And I’m going to make sure that I can do that.  So wait for me, please?  This money’s no good if I don’t have you to share it with.”  Henry says firmly, then stops, waiting.

 

And Eddy laughs.  Mostly to cover up that he’s crying.

 

“You… y-you…”  Eddy stutters, wheezes, makes a weird noise somewhere between a guffaw and a sob,  “Y-you are such a f-fucking asshole!  W-why didn’t you say all this shit when you left?!  You… you made me think, you made us _all_ think you were leaving for yourself!  Why can’t you ever just talk to me?”

 

“You wouldn’t have let me leave if I told you that!  You’d have said I was being stupid and that we didn’t really need all that stuff I promised… but it’s a promise!  So I’m going to do it!”  Eddy can imagine Henry nodding his head furiously into the phone, “And I guess… I don’t talk to you as much as I should… but it hurts, y’know?  When I don’t talk to you I can kind of try to ignore it… but when I do talk to you it reminds me that I miss the guys, I miss our pets, I really miss fried chicken… and I miss you too, I guess…”

 

“I-idiot.”  Eddy huffs while wiping at the corner of an eye and Henry laughs.

 

“No, I seriously miss you, man.  And it’s hard to talk to you, ‘cause, uh… well… I… I miss you so much, and I’m always afraid I’ll just end up saying a bunch of embarrassing sappy shit like this, right?”  And Henry chuckles again, but he also sniffles, and Eddy hears fabric rustle like he’s rubbing at his eyes with his sleeves.  “Guess I’m still kinda terrible at letting you know that I love you and all, but I do… and… shit… y’know, I’m at a party right now, but…”

 

There’s another rustling sound and then Henry blows his nose way too close to the mouthpiece and Eddy has to hold the phone away from his ear and grimace.

 

“But now you’ve made me have all these feelings and…”  There’s another sniffle from Henry, “...and I can’t go back out there like this so… why don’t you tell me what you got me for Christmas?”

 

“W-what?  I… uh…”  Eddy tries to laugh but it comes out wrong and it just makes it sound like he’s crying harder than he’s willing to admit that he actually is.  “Uh… you’ll have to come get it in person…”

 

“Ooh, sounds sexy.”  Eddy doesn’t need to see Henry to imagine the terrible (if not somewhat red-eyed) wink that he gives.  “Want to give me a sample now?”

 

“I’m in public.”  Eddy shakes his head, a wobbly smile threatening to form on his very cold lips.

 

“Aren’t you in Japan?  Nobody will know what you’re saying…”

 

“I’m not having phone sex with you in front of a whole bunch of Japanese people just because they won’t know what I’m saying.”  Eddy almost feels good enough to roll his eyes.  Almost.  “Also, honestly, I really don’t look all that sexy right now...”

 

And he doesn’t, soaking wet and red-eyed and shivering and somewhat surprised nobody’s phoned the police to report the weird foreigner having a personal crisis in front of all the Christmas lights.

 

“Are you sure?  What are you wearing?”

 

“A really big fucking jacket.”

 

“And under that?”  

 

“Jeans and a really big fucking sweater…”

 

“And under that?”

 

“Uh… boxers?”

 

“And under that…?”

 

Eddy sighs.  “Nothing, I guess.”

 

“See?  There you go.  That’s hot.”  Eddy’s certain that Henry’s grinning, and in spite of himself and everything that’s happened, he grins back.

 

“You’re awful.”  Eddy smiles, sniffs, wipes at his nose.

 

“I know.”  Henry says softly.  “But you’re stuck with me… if you still want to be…”

 

Eddy pauses, thinks about the empty Pops in Seoul set and all the sad late nights spent at the studio and all the friends of friends of friends that he’s gone out drinking with just to feel less lonely and every time he’s gone to bed alone and bitter in the past year, and all of that was Henry’s fault.  

 

Then he thinks about every scrap of happiness he’s genuinely managed to feel in the couple of years since he met Henry.  Goofing around on and off camera, lying in bed and arguing about dramas and clothes and girls and shoes and everything and anything, trying every variety of fried chicken available just because they could, late nights spent in the studio doing things they definitely shouldn’t have been doing in the studio, love and sex and tears and sweat, and all of that was Henry’s fault too.

 

Everything’s always been Henry’s fault, for better and for worse.  And for whatever reason, Eddy’s always liked that, so why would he want that to change now?

 

“Yeah… I guess I’m still stuck with you.”  Eddy nods slowly, and he can practically feel the way Henry’s face splits into a massive smile on the other end of the phone.  “But call more, you dick.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“And if you ever make another big stupid decision that affects both of our lives without at least telling me why first, it’ll be, uh… what does Hadon call it?  Y’know, when Youngjin won’t stop hugging him and trying to like, cuddle him and shit?”

 

Henry thinks for a second before offering up a slow answer.  “Uh… justifiable homicide?”

 

“Yeah, that.”  Eddy nods firmly, but his trembling lips are curved into a grin.  “So don’t do that again.”

 

“...okay.”  Henry sounds like he’s smiling, and Eddy’s smiling, and they just sit there smiling at each other even though they can’t see each other until Henry clears his throat.  “Can I tell you to do something now?”

 

“Maybe.”  Eddy says slowly.  “If it’s not stupid.”

 

“Can you go back to the hotel, or wherever you’re supposed to be?  I wasn’t going to say anything, but it sounds like you’ve been standing out in the rain this whole time… I don’t want you to get sick…”

 

“You, telling me not to get sick?”  Eddy shakes his head, sniffles, is suddenly aware that he can’t really feel his toes and his right hand seems to be frozen in place around his phone, “Besides, it’s like, sleeting, not raining.”

 

“Then you _need_ to go back inside.”

 

“Probably…”  Eddy admits, “...I think my ass might be frozen to this bench.”

 

“Awh man, I hope not, I always liked your ass the best…”  It sounds like Henry’s pouting, and Eddy rolls his eyes as he forces his very cold legs to straighten out.

 

“Guess you’re going to have to love me for my great personality instead…”  Eddy quips as he wipes the last tears from his eyelashes with the back of a wet hand.

 

“Just like you love me for mine, right?”  Henry shoots back, letting out a wheezy chuckle as a response to Eddy’s bark of a laugh,  “But seriously, go inside, tell the rest of the guys ‘Merry Christmas’ for me, and uh… I’m going to say this really fast so I sound less stupid but… I love you and I miss you and please keep waiting for me, okay?  Actually text me when you get inside?  I want a picture of you as a present...”

 

“Alright, but it’s not going to be a sexy picture.”

 

“Fine…”  Henry huffs, before making a terrible smacking noise with his lips.  “...but I’ll talk to you soon!  I promise!  Bye!”

 

Eddy echoes his farewell, stretches out his back, wipes some sleet off the front of his jacket, takes one last look at the enormous flashy Christmas display, and decides that he deserves a selfie here too.

 

The walk back to the hotel takes him much longer than it should, but he feels sort of good  and sort of funny despite being frozen and he can’t stop smiling to himself the whole time, even when passing by cutesy couples holding hands and huddled close to each other for warmth.

 

Most of the guys are asleep by the time he tries to open the hotel room door as slowly and as quietly as possible, a quick peek into the room shows him Daehwan and Chanyul curled close to each other and dead asleep in one bed, Hadon facedown in the mattress on the other.  Joonyoung and Youngjin are still up, however.  Joonyoung’s tucked close to Hadon’s side, but he stirs and turns his head to face the door the second Eddy walks into the room, and Youngjin’s currently stripping down to his boxers while sitting on the bed occupied by Joonyoung and Hadon.

 

“You’re back!  Finally!”  Youngjin does that loud whisper-shout thing that only he can do, bouncing to his knees on the bed and earning himself a sleepy scowl from Joonyoung.  “What’s wrong with your eyes, why are they so red?”

 

They’ve only got a single bedside lamp on, so Eddy must look even worse than he thought if Youngjin can tell there’s something different about him from a distance.

 

“I just…”  Eddy begins as he starts shrugging off his coat, but Joonyoung’s tired voice cuts him off.

 

“Did you seriously just go out and have a big cry over Prince?”  Joonyoung asks, although it doesn’t really sound like a question he needs answered.  “Probably in front of a whole bunch of Christmas decorations too, right?  While feeling sorry for yourself?  And wishing he wasn’t so shitty?”

 

“Well, uh-”

 

“Did you really do all that?”  Youngjin asks he pulls back the covers on the half of the bed not occupied by Joonyoung and Hadon, “You look happy though!”

 

“I am, I guess…”  Eddy smiles, wondering if he should try and find the other hotel room they have booked (their managers booked two rooms for them but it seems like everyone just decided to stay here), deciding that he feels borderline frostbitten and wants to leech body heat instead, stripping down to his underwear and motioning Youngjin to shove over and stop hogging so many blankets.  “Prince is an idiot… but a good idiot.”

 

Youngjin yelps as Eddy presses cold feet to his thighs and Joonyoung cuffs them both in the back of their heads before rolling over and twining his body back around Hadon’s.  

 

“Even if he is…”  Joonyoung murmurs as his eyes fall shut, “...Eddy, if he ever makes you cry again, I’ll cut off his balls the next time we see him.”

 

“Mmm, that’s hot…”  Hadon mumbles into the mattress, staying awake for all of five seconds before succumbing again, letting out a content sigh when Joonyoung just squeezes him tighter.

 

“Good Christmas spirit, you two…”  Eddy sighs, wrestles some blankets away from Youngjin, knees Youngjin in the thigh when he tries to take them back, tries to find a comfortable position despite somehow ending up sandwiched between the two boniest members, settles for Youngjin’s elbows poking into his gut and one of Joonyoung’s shoulderblades stabbing him in the ribs.  “You’ll have to beat me to it though.”

 

Joonyoung snorts and Youngjin laughs so deep it shakes the entire bed and Eddy swats at him halfheartedly until he stops.  Then those two fall into food comas for the night and Eddy’s left as the last one awake, starting to regain some body heat, feeling pleasantly cocooned even with all the assorted limbs jabbed into him, and he’s just about to let his exhaustion finally overtake him when he remembers the photo.

 

He flicks on his phone, opens up the selfie.  It’s pretty bad, honestly.  It’s dark and kind of blurry but not blurry enough to not be able to tell that Eddy’s soaking wet or that his skin is breaking out or that his eyes are bloodshot and have terrible dark bags underneath, but his smile is genuine and all the thousands of Christmas lights behind him have his eyes sparkling kind of nicely so he sends it anyways.

 

He’s nearly asleep when he gets a response.

 

 _see I told u that u look sexy_ _;)_

 

_well I look even sexier in person_

 

 _guess ill come see u as soon as i can then_ (followed by about 20 eggplant emojis)

 

_why r u like this_

 

 _bcuz ur hot_ (15x peach emoji)

 _and im gonna call u on new years k?_  

_I promise_

 

_good_

_now let me sleep_

_gotta go to the airport soon_

 

_k night_

_merry christmas_

_love u_

 

_love u too_

 

_im still gonna buy u sneakers btw_

 

_ffs fine_

 

Eddy falls asleep next to his six favourite guys (Henry counts via his phone resting on his chest) and thinking that this year’s Christmas in Japan wasn’t really that bad after all.

 

And you know what?  Henry does phone on New Year’s.  And Eddy answers.

 

And for now, that’s enough.

 


End file.
